(Svenska) Strategier för att hantera narcissisten (2)

Stratetgier för att hantera narcissisten

3. Var observant på vilka tankar och känslor du ofta får när du pratar med narcissisten. Det kan t.ex. handla om “han/hon har rätt i sin kritik, jag kan nästan ingenting om det mesta”, “han/hon har kanske rätt i att jag är dum eftersom även jag själv tycker det”, “han/hon kanske har rätt i att jag aldrig kommer ihåg vad saker som andra berättar vilket innebär att jag är oempatisk”, “jag känner skuld skuld över att jag inte lyssnar tillräckligt, att jag är alltför oengagerad, att jag inte tar hand om mina barn på ett bra sätt etc.

4. Börja inte försvara dig själv, försök i stället att lyssna, observera och sedan säga något i stil med – jag hör  vad du säger och vi kan diskutera hur vi tillsammans kan hantera det här, men sättet du tilltalar mig är inte ok och jag kommer inte att accpetera det.

Jag vet att ovan nämnda strategier är lätta att prata om men svåra att genomföra. Försök därför ha tålamod med dig själv när du inte lyckas genomföra dem och försök i stället igen. Fundera även på om du har någon att prata med när du känner dig ignorerad eller utfryst av narcissisten.

5. Mina tidigare exemple kanske mer handlar om hantera en narcissistisk partner. Om du har en narcissistisk vän som bara pratar om sig själv; sluta ställa följdfrågor kring hur han/hon känner sig, Prata istället om dig själv, får du inga följfrågor utan det blir tyst, testa antingen att låta det vara tyst eller prata om ytliga saker. Utvärdera på sikt om du vill ha relationen på ett ytligt plan eller om du hellre vill vara utan den.

Monica Emanell, leg. Psykolog, leg. Psykoterapeut
www.kbtemanel.se

(Svenska) Strategier för att hantera narcissisten

Strategier för att hantera narcissisten

Jag har skrivit om hur jobbigt det kan vara att ha någon i närheten som du känner dränerar din energi (läs mer i mina tidigare artiklar om narcissism).

Så hur kan du hantera någon som gör dig ledsen, arg, trött och ibland (i minidoser), glad och hoppfull om att relationen kommer att bli bättre.

Här är några tips:

1. Först och främst, lär dig så mycket om narcissism som du kan. Ju mer du får förståelse kring hur narcissisten fungerar, desto mer kommer du att kunna hantera dina känslor av skuld, ilska, ångest som du ofta känner i din position som narcissistens känslomässiga papperskorg (jag vill poängtera att narcissistens beteenden oftast är omedvetna). Först kommer du att märka att du ser hur allt hänger ihop på ett intellektuellt plan, men att du ändå kämmer skuld, ilska mm. när du pratar med narcissisten. Att förstå på ett intellektuellt plan är första steget.

2. Nästa steg kan vara att du  planerar kring hur du ska agera nästa gång narcissisten trycker på dina ömma punkter. Ibland kan du även iscensätta en sådan situation genom att börja prata om ämnen som du vet kommer får narcissisten att börja föra över negativa känslor på dig. Det här kan vara bra för att du oftast är mest förberedd när du själv har kontroll över när du behöver sätta gränser, ställa krav etc.

Fortsättning följer…

Monica Emanell, leg. Psykolog, leg. Psykoterapeut

www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem (2)

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

If you have lots of worry thoughts, it is often related to having low opinions about your self, that is you have low self-esteem. As I have said before, by treating yourself in a disrespectful way, your thoughts feelings about yourself will automatically get worse.
Worry thoughts:
– are frightening; I will never learn everything I need to for the exam and I will fail, my relationship will fail and I will be abandoned etc.
– are about the future. You picture different negative scenes that you think will happen to you.
– are often poor when it comes to details. It´s common that you think in terms of a catastrophic scenario and then you don´t think further in detail how realistic the thought is.
– Worry is a way of avoiding anxiety and negativ thoughts.
So, your worry has a function in the short run. Therefore you need to try to figure out what function it serves so that you can approach your anxiety in different ways than by worrying.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

If you have lots of worry thoughts, it is often related to having low opinions about your self, that is you have low self-esteem. As I have said before, by treating yourself in a disrespectful way, your thoughts feelings about yourself will automatically get worse.
Worry thoughts:
– are frightening; I will never learn everything I need to for the exam and I will fail, my relationship will fail and I will be abandoned etc.
– are about the future. You picture different negative scenes that you think will happen to you.
– are often poor when it comes to details. It´s common that you think in terms of a catastrophic scenario and then you don´t think further in detail how realistic the thought is.
– Worry is a way of avoiding anxiety and negativ thoughts.
So, your worry has a function in the short run. Therefore you need to try to figure out what function it serves so that you can approach your anxiety in different ways than by worrying.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

The reason why I mention self-esteem when I write about worry and anxiety is that I think that many problems we have are connected to low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem, you treat yourself badly in some way which makes your psyche feel bad and you get different kind of symptoms. The way I see it, it doesn´t matter if you get problems with ruminating thoughts or if you get and eating disorder, those are symptoms that come from the fact that you don´t have show respect towards your needs.
Now I will focus on describing how the viscious circle of worrying makes you feel more and more helpless once you fall into it.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

The reason why I mention self-esteem when I write about worry and anxiety is that I think that many problems we have are connected to low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem, you treat yourself badly in some way which makes your psyche feel bad and you get different kind of symptoms. The way I see it, it doesn´t matter if you get problems with ruminating thoughts or if you get and eating disorder, those are symptoms that come from the fact that you don´t have show respect towards your needs.

Now I will focus on describing how the viscious circle of worrying makes you feel more and more helpless once you fall into it.

To be continued…

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

www.kbtemanell.se

What kind of anxiety do you have?

What kind of anxiety do you have?

Often, the kind of anxiety we have is connected to specific situations. May be you have anxiety when you are in social situations, or may be you more of a chronic worry about all kinds of small things in your daily life, may be you have anxiety from repetitive thoughts that you haven´t locked the door or turned off the stove, may be you have anxiety when you are reminded of something traumatic that has happened to you etc.
There is kind of a psychiatric dictionnary called DSM IV where the different forms of anxiety are listed and those are the following:
– Panic syndrome and agoraphobia
– Anxiety around different diseases
– Social phobia
– Generalized anxiety disorder
– Specific phobia
– Posttraumatic stress syndrome

I think that many states of anxiety are connected to your self-esteem. So by working with both the specific anxiety provoking situations and your self-esteem, you can get a better grip of you anxiety and diminsh it. As I have said before, we can´t erase the anxiety since fear is a basic feeling that humans have got for a reason. So you can´t erase it but you can diminish it so that it stops controlling your life making you feel helpless.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

What kind of anxiety do you have?

Often, the kind of anxiety we have is connected to specific situations. May be you have anxiety when you are in social situations, or may be you more of a chronic worry about all kinds of small things in your daily life, may be you have anxiety from repetitive thoughts that you haven´t locked the door or turned off the stove, may be you have anxiety when you are reminded of something traumatic that has happened to you etc.
There is kind of a psychiatric dictionnary called DSM IV where the different forms of anxiety are listed and those are the following:
– Panic syndrome and agoraphobia
– Anxiety around different diseases
– Social phobia
– Generalized anxiety disorder
– Specific phobia
– Posttraumatic stress syndrome

I think that many states of anxiety are connected to your self-esteem. So by working with both the specific anxiety provoking situations and your self-esteem, you can get a better grip of you anxiety and diminsh it. As I have said before, we can´t erase the anxiety since fear is a basic feeling that humans have got for a reason. So you can´t erase it but you can diminish it so that it stops controlling your life making you feel helpless.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve you self-esteem? (6)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

I will continue to give you tips about how you can train on handling your feelings in your work with your self-esteem:

– Don´t try to push away your feelings, when you put energy on that, you mostly get more of the same negative feelings.

– Try to betolerant towards the feeling and instead of pushing it away, try to analyze what it is trying to tell you. Remember what i said in an earlier article, we have got feelings partly in order to get a grip of how to behave and communicate, so the feelings are trying to tell you something.

– By analyzing the feeling you will sometimes may be conclude that it is false alarm. That means that may be there is no danger in front of you, but you got a negative feeling because it may be reminded you of things in your past where you felt helpless and out of control.

– Try to analyze if there is something you can do that is good for you or if you just have to accept the feeling and wait until it passes.

– Try to do behaviors that you know are good for you in the long run in order to give signals to your psyche that you want the best for your needs.

– Try sometimes to act opposite of what the feeling wants (this is really hard but try it sometimes). An example is if you have a conflict with your partner and you are angry, try to do something nice, ask if he/she wants a cup of tea when you make one for yourself.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (5)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

In working with improving your self-esteem, work with your feelings is important.
I have written some things you can think about when you train yourself to become aware of you feelings. The next step is to work on how to handle your feelings. When you are in a situation that you feel distressed about it is possible that you try to avoid the feelings or may be you act out feelings. Remember what I said about that the psyche likes balance.
Here is a good strategy and I know it´s easy to say but hard to do, but being aware of what is possible to do is a first step.
Let´s say you are in a situation where you feel bad. Try the following steps:
– Observe what you feel and if there is a another feeling underneath.
– Analyze the feeling, does it scare you?, does it overwhelm you? etc.
– Accept that the feeling is there right now but that it will pass as other bad feelings you have had have finally passed. This is important part. A trap can be to be so caught in the feeling that the impression is that it will never pass and that you can´t endure it, so repeat to yourself that it will pass, because both good and bad feelings always pass after a while and get replaced by other feelings.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

In working with improving your self-esteem, work with your feelings is important.
I have written some things you can think about when you train yourself to become aware of you feelings. The next step is to work on how to handle your feelings. When you are in a situation that you feel distressed about it is possible that you try to avoid the feelings or may be you act out feelings. Remember what I said about that the psyche likes balance.
Here is a good strategy and I know it´s easy to say but hard to do, but being aware of what is possible to do is a first step.
Let´s say you are in a situation where you feel bad. Try the following steps:
– Observe what you feel and if there is a another feeling underneath.
– Analyze the feeling, does it scare you?, does it overwhelm you? etc.
– Accept that the feeling is there right now but that it will pass as other bad feelings you have had have finally passed. This is important part. A trap can be to be so caught in the feeling that the impression is that it will never pass and that you can´t endure it, so repeat to yourself that it will pass, because both good and bad feelings always pass after a while and get replaced by other feelings.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (4)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Now I will describe the difference between primary and secondary feelings. I think this is a crucial part in your work with you feelings and self-esteem.
You can for example lash at out your partner showing anger when he/she says she can´t meet you tomorrow because he/she is meeting a friend. Your partner gets surprized because he/she loves you and spends a lot of time with you but now he/she wants to meet a friend he/she hasn´t seen for a long time.
After a while he/she gets annoyed because of your behavior, you have a conflict and he/she hangs up the phone. You feel rejected and you are may be afraid of being abandoned.
Here is an example of a misunderstanding due to not having a firm grip of what you feel. Probably, if you love your partner and wants him/her the best you are ok with him/her meeting a freind but may be you are somewhere afraid that he/she prefers someone else. In that case, the fear is the primary feeling that is under the secondary feeling that in this case is anger. So you are aware of the anger and that is the feeling you deal with but it misleads you and leads to getting closer to what you fear deep down, becoming rejected and/or abandoned.
So when you are in a situation that makes you feel bad, start observing and analyzing if the feeling you are aware of is the right one or if there is a feeling that is hidden that is the cause of your distress.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Now I will describe the difference between primary and secondary feelings. I think this is a crucial part in your work with you feelings and self-esteem.
You can for example lash at out your partner showing anger when he/she says she can´t meet you tomorrow because he/she is meeting a friend. Your partner gets surprized because he/she loves you and spends a lot of time with you but now he/she wants to meet a friend he/she hasn´t seen for a long time.
After a while he/she gets annoyed because of your behavior, you have a conflict and he/she hangs up the phone. You feel rejected and you are may be afraid of being abandoned.
Here is an example of a misunderstanding due to not having a firm grip of what you feel. Probably, if you love your partner and wants him/her the best you are ok with him/her meeting a freind but may be you are somewhere afraid that he/she prefers someone else. In that case, the fear is the primary feeling that is under the secondary feeling that in this case is anger. So you are aware of the anger and that is the feeling you deal with but it misleads you and leads to getting closer to what you fear deep down, becoming rejected and/or abandoned.
So when you are in a situation that makes you feel bad, start observing and analyzing if the feeling you are aware of is the right one or if there is a feeling that is hidden that is the cause of your distress.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (3)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Behaviors that are triggered by feelings have probably been important for human beings to survive and they are therefore hard to change.
I often hear from patients that they know on an intellectual level how to think but they don´t feel that way. My answer to that is that you have to gradually start doing what is good for you in the long run and then you train and train and train and finally you will “feel” that that behavior is good for you. Observe that the gradual part also is important because a common trap is to start changing everything at once and then it easily get overwhelming which often leads to a setback and thoughts like “it´s no use, this will never work, nothing ever works for me, I am useless” etc.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Behaviors that are triggered by feelings have probably been important for human beings to survive and they are therefore hard to change.
I often hear from patients that they know on an intellectual level how to think but they don´t feel that way. My answer to that is that you have to gradually start doing what is good for you in the long run and then you train and train and train and finally you will “feel” that that behavior is good for you. Observe that the gradual part also is important because a common trap is to start changing everything at once and then it easily get overwhelming which often leads to a setback and thoughts like “it´s no use, this will never work, nothing ever works for me, I am useless” etc.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (2)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

– Feelings involve your senses so when you feel something you perceive changes in your body and brain.
– Feelings involve impulses to behave in a specific way. When you feel fear for example your impulse is often that you want to flee.
– One of the most important functions that feelings have is to send a message. In order to do that you need to show what you feel.
Here there are often complications if you haven´t been in a secure and nurturing environment. Sometimes you know what you feel but you can´t for some reason express it, may be because of feelings of shame or fear. Sometimes you don´t even know what you feel since may be the your energy during childhood went to observe what mood your parent would be in and adapt to your parent´s wishes so you never got the chance to express your feelings. This is an important part in your work with your self-esteem.

You can get better life quality if you get a grip of what you feel and how to express it in a healthy way!

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

– Feelings involve your senses so when you feel something you perceive changes in your body and brain.
– Feelings involve impulses to behave in a specific way. When you feel fear for example your impulse is often that you want to flee.
– One of the most important functions that feelings have is to send a message. In order to do that you need to show what you feel.
Here there are often complications if you haven´t been in a secure and nurturing environment. Sometimes you know what you feel but you can´t for some reason express it, may be because of feelings of shame or fear. Sometimes you don´t even know what you feel since may be the your energy during childhood went to observe what mood your parent would be in and adapt to your parent´s wishes so you never got the chance to express your feelings. This is an important part in your work with your self-esteem.

You can get better life quality if you get a grip of what you feel and how to express it in a healthy way!

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se