How do you validate others?

How do you validate others?

Jag want to write a short article about the importance of validating other people. I often meet people who haven´t felt validated when the grew up which has has a negative influence on their self-esteem when they grow up. Validation is important when it comes to your children, your partner and your friends.It´s not that unusual that parent s have done a good job with their children but that they haven´t thought about validating them often due to the fact that they haven´t been validated themselves when they grew up. Often you might thin´k that your partner should knw that he/she is loved by you and may be you don´t see the point of repeating it. I want to point out that being validated is important for everyone and many relationships get better when both of you start thinking about that.
You validate other people by:
– Being interested in what the other person says.
– Asking questions.
– Summing up what the other person says.
– Thinking about not judging the other person.
– Showing empathy for the other person.
– Showing that you understand the other person´s opinions, emotional reactions considering the situation he/she is in.
– Trying to find something reasonbale in a dysfunctional behavior.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem (2)

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

If you have lots of worry thoughts, it is often related to having low opinions about your self, that is you have low self-esteem. As I have said before, by treating yourself in a disrespectful way, your thoughts feelings about yourself will automatically get worse.
Worry thoughts:
– are frightening; I will never learn everything I need to for the exam and I will fail, my relationship will fail and I will be abandoned etc.
– are about the future. You picture different negative scenes that you think will happen to you.
– are often poor when it comes to details. It´s common that you think in terms of a catastrophic scenario and then you don´t think further in detail how realistic the thought is.
– Worry is a way of avoiding anxiety and negativ thoughts.
So, your worry has a function in the short run. Therefore you need to try to figure out what function it serves so that you can approach your anxiety in different ways than by worrying.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

If you have lots of worry thoughts, it is often related to having low opinions about your self, that is you have low self-esteem. As I have said before, by treating yourself in a disrespectful way, your thoughts feelings about yourself will automatically get worse.
Worry thoughts:
– are frightening; I will never learn everything I need to for the exam and I will fail, my relationship will fail and I will be abandoned etc.
– are about the future. You picture different negative scenes that you think will happen to you.
– are often poor when it comes to details. It´s common that you think in terms of a catastrophic scenario and then you don´t think further in detail how realistic the thought is.
– Worry is a way of avoiding anxiety and negativ thoughts.
So, your worry has a function in the short run. Therefore you need to try to figure out what function it serves so that you can approach your anxiety in different ways than by worrying.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

The reason why I mention self-esteem when I write about worry and anxiety is that I think that many problems we have are connected to low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem, you treat yourself badly in some way which makes your psyche feel bad and you get different kind of symptoms. The way I see it, it doesn´t matter if you get problems with ruminating thoughts or if you get and eating disorder, those are symptoms that come from the fact that you don´t have show respect towards your needs.
Now I will focus on describing how the viscious circle of worrying makes you feel more and more helpless once you fall into it.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Worry, anxiety and self-esteem

The reason why I mention self-esteem when I write about worry and anxiety is that I think that many problems we have are connected to low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem, you treat yourself badly in some way which makes your psyche feel bad and you get different kind of symptoms. The way I see it, it doesn´t matter if you get problems with ruminating thoughts or if you get and eating disorder, those are symptoms that come from the fact that you don´t have show respect towards your needs.

Now I will focus on describing how the viscious circle of worrying makes you feel more and more helpless once you fall into it.

To be continued…

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve you self-esteem? (6)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

I will continue to give you tips about how you can train on handling your feelings in your work with your self-esteem:

– Don´t try to push away your feelings, when you put energy on that, you mostly get more of the same negative feelings.

– Try to betolerant towards the feeling and instead of pushing it away, try to analyze what it is trying to tell you. Remember what i said in an earlier article, we have got feelings partly in order to get a grip of how to behave and communicate, so the feelings are trying to tell you something.

– By analyzing the feeling you will sometimes may be conclude that it is false alarm. That means that may be there is no danger in front of you, but you got a negative feeling because it may be reminded you of things in your past where you felt helpless and out of control.

– Try to analyze if there is something you can do that is good for you or if you just have to accept the feeling and wait until it passes.

– Try to do behaviors that you know are good for you in the long run in order to give signals to your psyche that you want the best for your needs.

– Try sometimes to act opposite of what the feeling wants (this is really hard but try it sometimes). An example is if you have a conflict with your partner and you are angry, try to do something nice, ask if he/she wants a cup of tea when you make one for yourself.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (5)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

In working with improving your self-esteem, work with your feelings is important.
I have written some things you can think about when you train yourself to become aware of you feelings. The next step is to work on how to handle your feelings. When you are in a situation that you feel distressed about it is possible that you try to avoid the feelings or may be you act out feelings. Remember what I said about that the psyche likes balance.
Here is a good strategy and I know it´s easy to say but hard to do, but being aware of what is possible to do is a first step.
Let´s say you are in a situation where you feel bad. Try the following steps:
– Observe what you feel and if there is a another feeling underneath.
– Analyze the feeling, does it scare you?, does it overwhelm you? etc.
– Accept that the feeling is there right now but that it will pass as other bad feelings you have had have finally passed. This is important part. A trap can be to be so caught in the feeling that the impression is that it will never pass and that you can´t endure it, so repeat to yourself that it will pass, because both good and bad feelings always pass after a while and get replaced by other feelings.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

In working with improving your self-esteem, work with your feelings is important.
I have written some things you can think about when you train yourself to become aware of you feelings. The next step is to work on how to handle your feelings. When you are in a situation that you feel distressed about it is possible that you try to avoid the feelings or may be you act out feelings. Remember what I said about that the psyche likes balance.
Here is a good strategy and I know it´s easy to say but hard to do, but being aware of what is possible to do is a first step.
Let´s say you are in a situation where you feel bad. Try the following steps:
– Observe what you feel and if there is a another feeling underneath.
– Analyze the feeling, does it scare you?, does it overwhelm you? etc.
– Accept that the feeling is there right now but that it will pass as other bad feelings you have had have finally passed. This is important part. A trap can be to be so caught in the feeling that the impression is that it will never pass and that you can´t endure it, so repeat to yourself that it will pass, because both good and bad feelings always pass after a while and get replaced by other feelings.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (4)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Now I will describe the difference between primary and secondary feelings. I think this is a crucial part in your work with you feelings and self-esteem.
You can for example lash at out your partner showing anger when he/she says she can´t meet you tomorrow because he/she is meeting a friend. Your partner gets surprized because he/she loves you and spends a lot of time with you but now he/she wants to meet a friend he/she hasn´t seen for a long time.
After a while he/she gets annoyed because of your behavior, you have a conflict and he/she hangs up the phone. You feel rejected and you are may be afraid of being abandoned.
Here is an example of a misunderstanding due to not having a firm grip of what you feel. Probably, if you love your partner and wants him/her the best you are ok with him/her meeting a freind but may be you are somewhere afraid that he/she prefers someone else. In that case, the fear is the primary feeling that is under the secondary feeling that in this case is anger. So you are aware of the anger and that is the feeling you deal with but it misleads you and leads to getting closer to what you fear deep down, becoming rejected and/or abandoned.
So when you are in a situation that makes you feel bad, start observing and analyzing if the feeling you are aware of is the right one or if there is a feeling that is hidden that is the cause of your distress.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Now I will describe the difference between primary and secondary feelings. I think this is a crucial part in your work with you feelings and self-esteem.
You can for example lash at out your partner showing anger when he/she says she can´t meet you tomorrow because he/she is meeting a friend. Your partner gets surprized because he/she loves you and spends a lot of time with you but now he/she wants to meet a friend he/she hasn´t seen for a long time.
After a while he/she gets annoyed because of your behavior, you have a conflict and he/she hangs up the phone. You feel rejected and you are may be afraid of being abandoned.
Here is an example of a misunderstanding due to not having a firm grip of what you feel. Probably, if you love your partner and wants him/her the best you are ok with him/her meeting a freind but may be you are somewhere afraid that he/she prefers someone else. In that case, the fear is the primary feeling that is under the secondary feeling that in this case is anger. So you are aware of the anger and that is the feeling you deal with but it misleads you and leads to getting closer to what you fear deep down, becoming rejected and/or abandoned.
So when you are in a situation that makes you feel bad, start observing and analyzing if the feeling you are aware of is the right one or if there is a feeling that is hidden that is the cause of your distress.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (3)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Behaviors that are triggered by feelings have probably been important for human beings to survive and they are therefore hard to change.
I often hear from patients that they know on an intellectual level how to think but they don´t feel that way. My answer to that is that you have to gradually start doing what is good for you in the long run and then you train and train and train and finally you will “feel” that that behavior is good for you. Observe that the gradual part also is important because a common trap is to start changing everything at once and then it easily get overwhelming which often leads to a setback and thoughts like “it´s no use, this will never work, nothing ever works for me, I am useless” etc.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

Behaviors that are triggered by feelings have probably been important for human beings to survive and they are therefore hard to change.
I often hear from patients that they know on an intellectual level how to think but they don´t feel that way. My answer to that is that you have to gradually start doing what is good for you in the long run and then you train and train and train and finally you will “feel” that that behavior is good for you. Observe that the gradual part also is important because a common trap is to start changing everything at once and then it easily get overwhelming which often leads to a setback and thoughts like “it´s no use, this will never work, nothing ever works for me, I am useless” etc.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (2)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

– Feelings involve your senses so when you feel something you perceive changes in your body and brain.
– Feelings involve impulses to behave in a specific way. When you feel fear for example your impulse is often that you want to flee.
– One of the most important functions that feelings have is to send a message. In order to do that you need to show what you feel.
Here there are often complications if you haven´t been in a secure and nurturing environment. Sometimes you know what you feel but you can´t for some reason express it, may be because of feelings of shame or fear. Sometimes you don´t even know what you feel since may be the your energy during childhood went to observe what mood your parent would be in and adapt to your parent´s wishes so you never got the chance to express your feelings. This is an important part in your work with your self-esteem.

You can get better life quality if you get a grip of what you feel and how to express it in a healthy way!

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

– Feelings involve your senses so when you feel something you perceive changes in your body and brain.
– Feelings involve impulses to behave in a specific way. When you feel fear for example your impulse is often that you want to flee.
– One of the most important functions that feelings have is to send a message. In order to do that you need to show what you feel.
Here there are often complications if you haven´t been in a secure and nurturing environment. Sometimes you know what you feel but you can´t for some reason express it, may be because of feelings of shame or fear. Sometimes you don´t even know what you feel since may be the your energy during childhood went to observe what mood your parent would be in and adapt to your parent´s wishes so you never got the chance to express your feelings. This is an important part in your work with your self-esteem.

You can get better life quality if you get a grip of what you feel and how to express it in a healthy way!

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem? (1)

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

As I said in my last article, often when you don´t get enough attention and nurturance when you are little you don´t learn to be aware of or/and express your feelings in a way that is good for you in the long run. Handling your feelings in a destructive way is connected to low self-esteem.
Feelings have a lot of functions in your life and your life will definitely have a higher qulity if you have a firm grip of what you feel and how to express that in a proper way.
– Feelings are selfgenerating, so when you feel something you get influenced to continue feeling in the same way.
– Feelings involve changes in the brain. Medication can regulate your feelings and influende the chemical reactions in your brain.
– Feelings involve body reactions. Research has shown that for example the muscles in your face whn you smile are connected to making you feel better (So in other words a small strategy in working with yourself if you feel low is to make yourself have a small smile in your face).

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psycholgist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Why is it important to be aware of what you feel in your work to improve your self-esteem?

As I said in my last article, often when you don´t get enough attention and nurturance when you are little you don´t learn to be aware of or/and express your feelings in a way that is good for you in the long run. Handling your feelings in a destructive way is connected to low self-esteem.
Feelings have a lot of functions in your life and your life will definitely have a higher qulity if you have a firm grip of what you feel and how to express that in a proper way.
– Feelings are selfgenerating, so when you feel something you get influenced to continue feeling in the same way.
– Feelings involve changes in the brain. Medication can regulate your feelings and influende the chemical reactions in your brain.
– Feelings involve body reactions. Research has shown that for example the muscles in your face whn you smile are connected to making you feel better (So in other words a small strategy in working with yourself if you feel low is to make yourself have a small smile in your face).

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psycholgist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

What feelings do you have biologically from birth?

What feelings do you have biologically from birth?

Research shows that we have around 6-8 different basic feelings that you are born with. Originally those feelings were meant to help survival. Here they are:
– Anger
– Sadness
– Happiness
– Surprize
– Fear
– Disgust
– Guilt/Shame
– Curiosity/Interest

Other feelings that you have are either learned or a combination of basic feelings.
By being in an emotionally unhealthy environment while growing up you often don´t learn to handle your feelings in a way that is good for you which is connected with low self-esteem.

I want to write some articles about feelings because they when you don´t have a loving, caring childhood, you often don´t get the chance to express your feelings in a proper way and you often don´t get the chance to learn how to use them which becomes a problem when you grow up. You have got feelings so that they can help you do know how to behave, to feel more control of your life etc. and if you don´t have a grip of what you feel or how to express what you feel it´s like being blind and trying to find your way.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

What feelings do you have biologically from birth?

Research shows that we have around 6-8 different basic feelings that you are born with. Originally those feelings were meant to help survival. Here they are:
– Anger
– Sadness
– Happiness
– Surprize
– Fear
– Disgust
– Guilt/Shame
– Curiosity/Interest

Other feelings that you have are either learned or a combination of basic feelings.
By being in an emotionally unhealthy environment while growing up you often don´t learn to handle your feelings in a way that is good for you which is connected with low self-esteem.

I want to write some articles about feelings because they when you don´t have a loving, caring childhood, you often don´t get the chance to express your feelings in a proper way and you often don´t get the chance to learn how to use them which becomes a problem when you grow up. You have got feelings so that they can help you do know how to behave, to feel more control of your life etc. and if you don´t have a grip of what you feel or how to express what you feel it´s like being blind and trying to find your way.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se