How can the narcissist be helped?

How can the narcissist get helped?

As I said earlier, it is unusual that the narcissist wants to have therapy, at least when it comes to make some changes. The reson they often go to therapy is because they, for example feel bad after a relationship has come to an end and then they want to talk about the fact that they experience that they have been treated badly.
In some cases though, narcissists agree going to therapy to work with their flaws. I can be because a partner threatens to leave them after a long marriage or after they lose a job because of their behavior.
If narcissists want to work with their difficulties they can try the following (Read more in Reinventing your life by Jeffrey Young).

1. Write a list with advantages and disadvantages about not accepting limits that other people set.
2. Confront your own excuses for not accepting limits that other people set.
3. Register problems in your daily life that arise because of your problems with setting limits.
4. Write flashcards (cards where you write what you find being a problem and the advantages about swallowing your irritation for not getting your way.
5. Ask for feedback.
6. Try to show emapthy.
7. Understand your underlying schemas ( I have written more about this in my earlier articles about narcissism).
8. Write a list about frequent situations that cause you problems.
9. Use the technique time out to handle your anger (you say that you need to go away for a while and then come back).
10.. Learn what thought errors you have (for example “either we do it my way or we drop the whole thing”).

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

How can I handle being in a relationship with a narcissist (who only sees to his/her own needs)?

How can I handle being in a relationship with a narcissist who only sees to his/her own needs?

If you choose to keep your narcissistic partner or friend because you come to the conclusion that you either get something out of the relationship or may be you can´t find the strength to end the relationship, here is what you can think about:

1. Try to set limits. I know that this is easy to say and hard to do but at least have it in your mind all the time. Giving in to feelings of guilt or because you feel sorry for the narcissist will make him/her get less respect for you and therefore treat you worse. The more you get aware of this, the easier it will be to sometimes stick to what you want and not to what the narcissist wants. Try to endure your feelings of guilt and set limits.
2. Try to accept the traits you see in the narcissist. May be you have seen that the narcissist is not really interested in your needs and feelings but you don´t want to see it. May be you try to persuade yourself that you have exagerated or that you have seen nice traits too and that you want to be an accepting and nice person and not a complainer which is what you feel you are after you have met the neracissist.
I know that it is hard, but try to see your partner or friend the way he/she is and not the way you would like hmi/her to be.
3. Observe how the narcissist behaves towards other people, he/she will probably behave in a similar way towards you.
4. Try to block your hopes that you will change the narcissist. It is common that the feelings of hope in cases like this cause a lot of problems. May be you have been feeling disapointed and hopeless for a long time but you hope that your friend/partner will change because sometimes you see glimpses of fantastic behavior and each time you hope that this behavior will expand and make you happy.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

How can I handle being in a relationship with a narcissist who only sees to his/her own needs?

If you choose to keep your narcissistic partner or friend because you come to the conclusion that you either get something out of the relationship or may be you can´t find the strength to end the relationship, here is what you can think about:

1. Try to set limits. I know that this is easy to say and hard to do but at least have it in your mind all the time. Giving in to feelings of guilt or because you feel sorry for the narcissist will make him/her get less respect for you and therefore treat you worse. The more you get aware of this, the easier it will be to sometimes stick to what you want and not to what the narcissist wants. Try to endure your feelings of guilt and set limits.
2. Try to accept the traits you see in the narcissist. May be you have seen that the narcissist is not really interested in your needs and feelings but you don´t want to see it. May be you try to persuade yourself that you have exagerated or that you have seen nice traits too and that you want to be an accepting and nice person and not a complainer which is what you feel you are after you have met the neracissist.
I know that it is hard, but try to see your partner or friend the way he/she is and not the way you would like hmi/her to be.
3. Observe how the narcissist behaves towards other people, he/she will probably behave in a similar way towards you.
4. Try to block your hopes that you will change the narcissist. It is common that the feelings of hope in cases like this cause a lot of problems. May be you have been feeling disapointed and hopeless for a long time but you hope that your friend/partner will change because sometimes you see glimpses of fantastic behavior and each time you hope that this behavior will expand and make you happy.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

How can I free myself from the feeling of being emotionally stuck in a destructive relationship? (3)

How can i free myself from feeling stuck in a destructive relationship?

7. Now try to focus on adding activities in your daily life that you know you used to like before and may be you still like them.
8. Observe situations when you critisize yourself and make sure you do something nice for yourself as a strategy to make the critic in you loose its grip.
9. Observe all the shoulds you have in your daily life. Low self-esteem is often connected with lots of shoulds. Try to analyze what you really should do and what you can let go of.
10. In general, work on being nicer to yourself, think about how you would act towards someone you love, act in the same way towards yourself.
11. Evaluate after a month if you still feel as you would never be able to leave your relationship and be on your own. Try to al least think that even though it is hard, it is possible to be on your own.
12. Try to start stopping your partner from saying demeaning things or from trying to make you do things that are unfair. Tell him/her that you won´t tolerate it anymore.
13. Tell him/her (but not too often) that if he/she can´t stop with the demeaning behavior you will have to discuss your relationship seriously. Before you say this be sure you have thought through the possibility of being on your own and that you can handle that even though it would be hard.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

How can i free myself from feeling stuck in a destructive relationship?

7. Now try to focus on adding activities in your daily life that you know you used to like before and may be you still like them.

8. Observe situations when you critisize yourself and make sure you do something nice for yourself as a strategy to make the critic in you loose its grip.

9. Observe all the shoulds you have in your daily life. Low self-esteem is often connected with lots of shoulds. Try to analyze what you really should do and what you can let go of.

10. In general, work on being nicer to yourself, think about how you would act towards someone you love, act in the same way towards yourself.

11. Evaluate after a month if you still feel as you would never be able to leave your relationship and be on your own. Try to al least think that even though it is hard, it is possible to be on your own.

12. Try to start stopping your partner from saying demeaning things or from trying to make you do things that are unfair. Tell him/her that you won´t tolerate it anymore.

13. Tell him/her (but not too often) that if he/she can´t stop with the demeaning behavior you will have to discuss your relationship seriously. Before you say this be sure you have thought through the possibility of being on your own and that you can handle that even though it would be hard.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

www.kbtemanell.se

How can I get free from the feeling of being emotionally stuck in a destructive relationship? (2)

How can I get free from the feeling of being stuck in a destructive relationship?

As I said in my las article it is most of the time very hard to leave a relationship that you feel is not good for you because it is seldom that someone is mean all the time. The bad periods are often mixed with periods where you feel very “seen” and “loved” and even though those periods are way shorter, they get kind of addictive.
I would describe relationships like this in a similar way that I would describe an addiction. The craving for more attention from the person you love gets like an addiction and the moments you get it become like heaven that you have an extremely hard time to separate from even though your partner might have bad mood swings or demeaning behavior in between.
So if you are in a relationship where you feel you get lower and lower self-esteem here is what you can start with:
1. Get to know yourself; why have you fallen for a person who is attentive sometimes but behaves in a bad way most of the time? How has your own childhood been? Did you feel seen and important?
2. Observe and register how often during a month your partner behaves in a good way and how often he/she behaves in a bad way?
3. Look at the rest of your life. Do you have activities that give you noce feelings, like seeing or talking with friends, going to the gym, baking, playing tennis, taking a language class etc.?
4. Observe your own mood and see if you can see a connection between your partner´s bad behavior and your own energy level. If you have a relationship where you feel low most of the time, it probably drains your energy.
5. If your partner gives you bad conscience often and you give in to that feeling, try to do a behvior experiment for a week where you will not give in to your bad conscience, in other words do what you know makes you feel good in the long run even though you feel selfish.
6. Try to repeat to yourself that you are taking a time to take care of your needs and the worst that could happen is that you don´t notice and changes and then you can always go back to the behavior you have now.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

How can I free myself from the feeling of being stuck in a destructive relationship?

As I said in my las article it is most of the time very hard to leave a relationship that you feel is not good for you because it is seldom that someone is mean all the time. The bad periods are often mixed with periods where you feel very “seen” and “loved” and even though those periods are way shorter, they get kind of addictive.

I would describe relationships like this in a similar way that I would describe an addiction. The craving for more attention from the person you love gets like an addiction and the moments you get it become like heaven that you have an extremely hard time to separate from even though your partner might have bad mood swings or demeaning behavior in between.

So if you are in a relationship where you feel you get lower and lower self-esteem here is what you can start with:

1. Get to know yourself; why have you fallen for a person who is attentive sometimes but behaves in a bad way most of the time? How has your own childhood been? Did you feel seen and important?

2. Observe and register how often during a month your partner behaves in a good way and how often he/she behaves in a bad way?

3. Look at the rest of your life. Do you have activities that give you noce feelings, like seeing or talking with friends, going to the gym, baking, playing tennis, taking a language class etc.?

4. Observe your own mood and see if you can see a connection between your partner´s bad behavior and your own energy level. If you have a relationship where you feel low most of the time, it probably drains your energy.

5. If your partner gives you bad conscience often and you give in to that feeling, try to do a behvior experiment for a week where you will not give in to your bad conscience, in other words do what you know makes you feel good in the long run even though you feel selfish.

6. Try to repeat to yourself that you are taking a time to take care of your needs and the worst that could happen is that you don´t notice and changes and then you can always go back to the behavior you have now.

To be continued…

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

www.kbtemanell.se

How can I get rid of the feeling of being emotionally stuck in an abusive relationship?

How can I get free from the feeling of being stuck in an abusive relationship?

If you are together with a partner with narcissistic features (read more in my earlier articles about narcissism and relationships) and you have been thinking that it is not good for you, you have may be sometimes been thinking that you should leave the relationship. May be you have had others around you who have reacted to your partner´s behavior towards you or may be you have noticed that your self-esteem is getting more and more damaged by your partner´s rude behavior.
A common problem when it comes to destuctive relationships overall is that most of the time it is very hard to end them even though you soemwhere know that the relationship is not good for you. Your pratner probably sometimes produces nice feelings in you and those situations often make it extremely hard to leave him/her since you probably also have feelings for him/her.
My suggestion is that you start handling this problem with tiny steps and here are a few suggestions. Often the mere thought of being without your partner feels overwhelming so again, it is important to take tiny steps so that it feels more bearable for you.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

How can I get free from the feeling of being stuck in an abusive relationship?

If you are together with a partner with narcissistic features (read more in my earlier articles about narcissism and relationships) and you have been thinking that it is not good for you, you have may be sometimes been thinking that you should leave the relationship. May be you have had others around you who have reacted to your partner´s behavior towards you or may be you have noticed that your self-esteem is getting more and more damaged by your partner´s rude behavior.
A common problem when it comes to destuctive relationships overall is that most of the time it is very hard to end them even though you soemwhere know that the relationship is not good for you. Your pratner probably sometimes produces nice feelings in you and those situations often make it extremely hard to leave him/her since you probably also have feelings for him/her.
My suggestion is that you start handling this problem with tiny steps and here are a few suggestions. Often the mere thought of being without your partner feels overwhelming so again, it is important to take tiny steps so that it feels more bearable for you.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist (4)

Strategies to handle the narcissist

9. It is common to feel shame when you speak with a narcissist since that is a feeling the narcissist himself/herself feels a lot and in other words it is often the feeling that is thrown at someone else. If you feel shame, try not to act on the feeling, instead observe it and think that the narcissist is trying to throw the feeling at you.
10. Try to give yourself credit that you have managed not to act on the feelings you have got from the narcissist. Try to give yourself credit even if you failed not to act on the feelings, but you managed to observe them. Remember that this is a hard task and the main thing is that you exercize as soon as you get the chance, just as you do with your bodu when you go to the gym.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist

9. It is common to feel shame when you speak with a narcissist since that is a feeling the narcissist himself/herself feels a lot and in other words it is often the feeling that is thrown at someone else. If you feel shame, try not to act on the feeling, instead observe it and think that the narcissist is trying to throw the feeling at you.
10. Try to give yourself credit that you have managed not to act on the feelings you have got from the narcissist. Try to give yourself credit even if you failed not to act on the feelings, but you managed to observe them. Remember that this is a hard task and the main thing is that you exercize as soon as you get the chance, just as you do with your bodu when you go to the gym.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist (3)

Strategies to handle the narcissist

6. Try to analyze what your sensitive subjects are and if the narcissist pushes these buttoms. The psyche likes control so if you get conscious of your own sensitive subjects, you will get less upset when they get triggered by the narcsissist.

7. Observe how your the narcissist avoids feeling shame when negative feelings, among others shame is triggered in you.

8. Try to visualize the that the narcissist is 2 years old.
If you think about how 2- year old children sometimes behave you will notice resemblance. (One theory about narcissism suggests that narcissists are stuck emotionally at a 2-year old level).
This will make it easier for you to get distance emotionally. You will easier identify that the problem is not within you but within the narcissist who tries to use you as an emotional garbage can.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist

6. Try to analyze what your sensitive subjects are and if the narcissist pushes these buttoms. The psyche likes control so if you get conscious of your own sensitive subjects, you will get less upset when they get triggered by the narcsissist.

7. Observe how your the narcissist avoids feeling shame when negative feelings, among others shame is triggered in you.

8. Try to visualize the that the narcissist is 2 years old.
If you think about how 2- year old children sometimes behave you will notice resemblance. (One theory about narcissism suggests that narcissists are stuck emotionally at a 2-year old level).
This will make it easier for you to get distance emotionally. You will easier identify that the problem is not within you but within the narcissist who tries to use you as an emotional garbage can.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist (2)

Strategies to handle the narcissist

3. Be prepared for what thoughts feelings you usually get in these kind of conversations. It can be – he/she might be right in his critisism, I don´t that much about these things, May be he/she is right that I am stupid since I think so myself, may be he/she is right that I never remember what is said to me about others and that it means that I don´t have enough enpathy towards my family, I feel guilt felings that I don´t listen properly, that I don´t take care of my children properly etc.
4. Don´t start defending yourself, instead listen, observe and say something like – I hear what you say and we can discuss how we together can deal with this but the way you talk to me with the demeaning names etc. is not ok and I will not accept it.

I know that this is hard and be sure you have patience with not being able to do it properly and also try to see if there is someone you can talk with when the narcissist punishes you with coldness and silence.

5. My earlier example might apply better to a partner or parent thna to a friend. If you have a friend who only talks about him/her -self, stop asking questions about how he/she feels, since that will trigger a person with these traits, instead talk about yourself. If you get zero response, talk about superficial or practical things and evaluate how much this person means to you and if you get something out of your friendship.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist

3. Be prepared for what thoughts feelings you usually get in these kind of conversations. It can be – he/she might be right in his critisism, I don´t that much about these things, May be he/she is right that I am stupid since I think so myself, may be he/she is right that I never remember what is said to me about others and that it means that I don´t have enough enpathy towards my family, I feel guilt felings that I don´t listen properly, that I don´t take care of my children properly etc.
4. Don´t start defending yourself, instead listen, observe and say something like – I hear what you say and we can discuss how we together can deal with this but the way you talk to me with the demeaning names etc. is not ok and I will not accept it.

I know that this is hard and be sure you have patience with not being able to do it properly and also try to see if there is someone you can talk with when the narcissist punishes you with coldness and silence.

5. My earlier example might apply better to a partner or parent thna to a friend. If you have a friend who only talks about him/her -self, stop asking questions about how he/she feels, since that will trigger a person with these traits, instead talk about yourself. If you get zero response, talk about superficial or practical things and evaluate how much this person means to you and if you get something out of your friendship.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist (1)

Strategies to handle the narcissist

I have talked about how hard it can be to have someone close who you feel drains your energy. It can be a partner, a friend, a parent etc. (read more in my articles about narcissism).
So how can you handle a person who makes you hurt, angry, tired and sometimes (in mini doses) happy and hopeful that it will get better?
Here are some tips:
1. First of all, learn as much about narcissism as you can. The more you land in an understanding the bigger the more you will be able to handle feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety that you get in your role as the narcissist´s garbage can. First you will notice that you understand everything on an intellectual level but that you still “feel” guilt, shame etc. This is the first step.
2. Now try to have a conversation with the narcissist where you know that there will be issues that usually trigger you emotionally. The best position is if you can have control over when you want to start a topic where you usually feel bad.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

Strategies to handle the narcissist

I have talked about how hard it can be to have someone close who you feel drains your energy. It can be a partner, a friend, a parent etc. (read more in my articles about narcissism).
So how can you handle a person who makes you hurt, angry, tired and sometimes (in mini doses) happy and hopeful that it will get better?
Here are some tips:
1. First of all, learn as much about narcissism as you can. The more you land in an understanding the bigger the more you will be able to handle feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety that you get in your role as the narcissist´s garbage can. First you will notice that you understand everything on an intellectual level but that you still “feel” guilt, shame etc. This is the first step.
2. Now try to have a conversation with the narcissist where you know that there will be issues that usually trigger you emotionally. The best position is if you can have control over when you want to start a topic where you usually feel bad.

To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se

More explanations to why people develop narcissism

More explanations to why people develop narcissism

I have mentioned before the reason why you develop different conditions is due to a combination between you genes and your upbringing. In the case of narcissism Jeffrey young discusses three factors as crucial.

1) Genes make some children acting out more, they have more aggression than others so in an emotionally not giving environment they are more prone to become demanding when they are adults to compensate for not feeling important and seen when they were children.

2) Another factor is that in some families where the parents can´t see to the child´s emotional needs they let child be demandind in some other way.

3) A third factor is that the child has a special feature; it´s beautiful, smart, gifted in a sport etc. These children will compensate for not getting their emotions fulfilled by demanding attention for this feature.

People who genetically have a lot of anger can develop narcissism to compensate for having been treated in an emotionally unfair way.

Narcissism is often developed as a compensation for not feeling important and seen as a child. Instead these people want to show that they are special and important than other people.

Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

www.kbtemanell.se