KBT psykologen reflects on relationships with a psychopath 2

 

 KBT psykologen reflects on psychopathic relationships

Since most people who are psychopaths are men, there are of course more case examples of male psychopaths. I will give a case example of a female psychopath with clear psychopathic behaviors and I will call her Sandra. While it´s more common for male psychopaths to show aggression  or violence, it´s more common among female psychopaths to take a victim role, blend it with manipulative, flirty behavior which can be a disastrous mix for the partner they chose to have a relationship with. Since psychopaths don´t have positive feelings towards someone, their emotional life becomes like a desert (Robert Hare desribes the psychopath in an easy to understand a wellwritten way in his books about psychopaths). In order to find a meaning in life (since the emotional chunk is gone), they become very goal oriented when it comes to things like money, sex, a partner who has status because of looks, money, academic achievement etc. Since the psychopath only thinks about him/herself and the private goals, he/she doesn´t waste any energy on thoughts like “what if I don´t present myself well, what if I get rejected and other “what ifs” that are energytaking for others. In other words, the psychopath becomes very strong mentally, in a way you could say that he/she is an expert in cognitive therapy, it´s a natural way of functioning without any waste of energy on empathy, insecurity etc. So, once he/she sets his/her mind on something it´s better not to be in the way. Some psychopaths can control their anger very well, but in the end, even the more controlling and from my perspective more dangerous since they are more hard to see detect, can feel pressed into a corner and show their anger.

It´s also interesting that if a psychopath is raised in secure caring family, he/she can become a politician, general director in a company, have his/her own private successful business etc. If a psychopath is raised in a non caring environment he/she usually turns into a criminal and ends up in jail.

Ok, back to my case example.

Sandra came from male dominated, poor background where she was treated like she was nobody. She was daily critisized  and she never heard she was loved. She early became sexually active (psychopaths often do), left school and moved to another country, she didn´t want anyone to know where she came from. She calculated that her strategy to get somewhere in life would be to use different men as a ladder. She married when she was sixteen to a man who made it possible for her to stay permanently in the new country. his man was infatuated with Sandra and thought he had never met such a caring and fun person. Sandra was fun to be with until she had got her permit to stay in the country. By then she had persuaded her husband to lend her some money he had since she wanted to start a business and then suddenly one day, Sandra vanished and he never say Sandra or the money.

Now Sandra moved to another city, took a different name and started a gas station business with her stolen money. She  fixed the gas machine so people got less gas for their money and she had a relationship with a man who worked for her. The salary he got was just to survive but he was afraid to get abandoned so he didn´t dare to say anything to Sandra. Meanwhile, Sandra had another relationship with a stock broker who had a lot of money. He had some alcohol problems, he felt lonely and he wasn´t  very strong emotionally. He was a perfect target for Sandra, he had status, money and she satisfied. The man who worked for her had given her his life savings that Sandra said she needed to expand the gas station. She took the money, left him, sold the gas station and disappeared.

Now Sandra could put all her energy on her stock broker  boyfriend whom she found very interesting out of several reasons. He already had grown up children and wasn´t interested in more, a fact that Sandra ignored. Since he had an alcohol problem together with some abandonment issues, Sandra was soon pregnant, not once but twice since she thought that two children was what she pictured was a good number when it came to children. Sandra decided to work as her husband´s sectretary in order to have better insight in his finances and also in order to push him in directions where he could earn as much as possible. The fact that many moves were illegal didn´t bother Sandra since she didn´t sign anywhere with her own name. After ten years her husband was died in an accident. Sandra was soon involved with a business man who had money.

Here I have out of my experience and knowledge in psychology written an example of how a female relationships of a female psychopath can look like.

Cognitive behavior psychologist Monica Emanell

KBT psykologen reflects on relationships with a psychopath

KBT psykologen reflects on relationships

Talking about destructive patterns in relationships and that it can be hard to break them makes me reflect on a type of relationship that is extremely hard to withdraw from once you are in it, and that is if you happen to meet and start a relationship with a psychopath (around 1% of the population are psychopaths). This can prove to be an emotional roller coaster you will never forget. In my work with patients both at my private practice and in the Criminal system I have met both people who are psychopaths and people who have been their victims. If you start a relationship with a psychopath, you pretty soon fall into a vicious circle from where it´s really hard to get out, both because your self seteem quickly diminshes (if you had one to start with since psychopaths have a radar in choosing victims they can pretty easily break down), and also because they are very strong mentally and they easily switch between treating you bad and drawing you back by making you feel that you are the most special person in the world.

To be continued…

Cognitive behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

 

 

KBT psykologen reflects on relationships

Talking about destructive patterns in relationships and that it can be hard to break them makes me reflect on a type of relationship that is extremely hard to withdraw from once you are in it, and that is if you happen to meet and start a relationship with a psychopath (around 1% of the population are psychopaths). This can prove to be an emotional roller coaster you will never forget. In my work with patients both at my private practice and in the Criminal system I have met both people who are psychopaths and people who have been their victims. If you start a relationship with a psychopath, you pretty soon fall into a vicious circle from where it´s really hard to get out, both because your self seteem quickly diminshes (if you had one to start with since psychopaths have a radar in choosing victims they can pretty easily break down), and also because they are very strong mentally and they easily switch between treating you bad and drawing you back by making you feel that you are the most special person in the world.

To be continued…

Cognitive behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell

 

 

KBT psykologen reflects on life issues

Meeting patients every day makes me reflect on many things. The past days, I have been thinking about that sometimes in life, when we meet people, we perceive it as unfair if we see that everything in their life tends to move forward in a smooth way. They make a fast carreer or they have met a partner who is attentive of their needs etc.

My thoughts about this is this  is  a very common thought error to take out part of a cake in someone´s life and compare it to something in our own life that we are not satisfied with. But it´s also important to get conscious about that it is a thought error and that it makes us feel miserable. First of all we can save a lot of energy we put on the comparison to see if we can find something in our own life where we can put energy in order to feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we try to do this but we think that it impossible to stop the thoughts about the comparisons. Often that is true; the more we try to stop  to think about a certain thing, the more we think about it. My suggestion here is to try and fill your life with behaviors that make you feel good in the long run. If you don´t know what those behaviors might be, try different things, for example, take a class in Japanese, learn tango, learn more about chocolate or wine etc. After when the behaviors are done, register your feelings and in this way you will become more satisfied in the long run and think less about others.

Moreover if despite the strategies above you can´t help comparing yourself, then at least take the whole cake in someone´s life and compare to your life. May be someone has a great carreer but bad contact with their child, may be the other person has money but he or she has a bad family situation etc.  Thinking in this way you will get a more objective view of how things are and you will often feel less miserable.

Meeting patients every day makes me reflect on many things. The past days, I have been thinking about that sometimes in life, when we meet people, we perceive it as unfair if we see that everything in their life tends to move forward in a smooth way. They make a fast carreer or they have met a partner who is attentive of their needs etc.

My thoughts about this is this  is  a very common thought error to take out part of a cake in someone´s life and compare it to something in our own life that we are not satisfied with. But it´s also important to get conscious about that it is a thought error and that it makes us feel miserable. First of all we can save a lot of energy we put on the comparison to see if we can find something in our own life where we can put energy in order to feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we try to do this but we think that it impossible to stop the thoughts about the comparisons. Often that is true; the more we try to stop  to think about a certain thing, the more we think about it. My suggestion here is to try and fill your life with behaviors that make you feel good in the long run. If you don´t know what those behaviors might be, try different things, for example, take a class in Japanese, learn tango, learn more about chocolate or wine etc. After when the behaviors are done, register your feelings and in this way you will become more satisfied in the long run and think less about others.

Moreover if despite the strategies above you can´t help comparing yourself, then at least take the whole cake in someone´s life and compare to your life. May be someone has a great carreer but bad contact with their child, may be the other person has money but he or she has a bad family situation etc.  Thinking in this way you will get a more objective view of how things are and you will often feel less miserable.

Thoughts of a cognitive behavior psychologist

I was just thinking that writing down my thoughts and psychology advice, I think a just once mentioned that I am working with clients every day from a cognitive behavior perspective. The things I write about are questions and thoughts and discuss with patients and things I have thoughts about myself from my everyday work. The advice I give are either mine or those of someone who does research on a specific subject.

I choose the topics from what I know have been interesting to many of the patients I meet and hopefully they will be helpful to people who read my blog.