Warning signals in a relationship and how to make your relationship work
Rule 4
Try to make your decisions together with your partner.
Gottman talks about two types of conflicts between couples. One type is about thing that are more concrete and the other type of conflict is about the fact that you have different values and that type of conflict is more commoon for example; one of you wants children and the other one doesn´t, one of you wants sex more often, you want to raise your children in different ways etc.
One important thing to remember here is how important validation is, actually I think it´s extremely important. When you validate someone you ”meet the person where she or his is emotionally”. If for example your child or partner is sad, you validate by for example asking questions, hugging the other person, sum up what the other person has said and ask if that is how he/she feels etc. Only after your dear one has calmed down you can try to give advice, but start with little advice and see if it is ok and then you can come up with more. When you are very sad or anxious about something, it´s common to think out of the angle of your emotion. So if your partner for example has failed on an exam and has thoughts like ” I will never finish college”, a good way of giving support is to remind your partner of all the times he/she has succeeded.
Now I will go back to Gottman´s rules.
Rule 5
Solve the problems that are possible to solve.
What you should think about when you have conflicts is:
1. Try to bring up the topic in a friendly way.
2. Be observant if your partner wants to make peace and accept it.
3. Try to calm down each other.
4. Try to compromize ( I often repeat to my patients that mostly you don´t live with a copy of yourself, so in other words your partner doesn´t always think and feel in the same way as you do, aso instead of trying to force your partner to accept your way of thinking, try to go half the way, your relationship will become much healthier if you are aware of this).
5. Be more acceptnig to your partne´s flaws instead of demanding perfection.
To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se