How insecure attachment affects your adult relationships
Insecure attchment often leads to anxiety and mood disorders later in life. It also often affects the kind of partner you will choose. If you have an avoidant attachment it is common that you leave ýour partner after you have been in the relationship for a while. May be you feel very much in love in the beginning bur after a while you start doubting that this partner is the right one for you. May be you don´t feel as attracted anymore and you start seeing psysical flaws, you start obsessing around a flaw you see in your partner and you can´t let go of that. If you recognize this, try to analyze if you talk about your feelings and if you let yourself be vulnerable sometimes. Letting yourself be vulnerable is important in order to form an emotional link to someone. Also analyze if you are aware of your own emotions, otherwise you have to work on that.
If you tend to be clingy in a relationship and focus all your energy and time on your partner you probably also have an insecure attachment. This is common if you have an ambivalent attachment. If you recognize yourself in this, you should force yourself to do things you usually like; seeing friends, working out etc. Even if you feel like canceling everything if your partner want to see you, try not to. I am definitely certain from working with this all the time, that the best strategy to get someone interested and stay interested is showing self esteem, that is showing how you want to be treated by treating yourself good. So, if you feel like running over your needs, try not to (of course mostly for your own good), but also because it will be attractive to your partner. I am not saying that should play a game where you can´t be caught, I am saying that you should be observant when you get impulses to walk over your own needs in order to please your partner. May be you will think that you are only trying to be easy to be with and that this will make your partner want to be with you but it´s the opposite. The more you run over your own needs the bigger the risk is that your fears come true, that is that you get abandoned.
If you have a disorganized attachment you probably use all of the destructive strategies mentioned without any structure. If this is the case you have to go through your relationships and together with a therapist go through how you run over your needs and slowly start changing that. May be you have no idea what you are doing, you just feel everything is disorganized in a cloud of anxiety. You have to learn how to behave well towards yourself by looking at specific situations in your life. The next step is to try to behave in a nice way towards yourself even if you don´t feel like it, just do it. And try to stop mean behaviors from others, by telling them that you won´t accept it and if that doesn´t help, leave the relationship (which is very hard and requires planning and training in treating yourself well). When you become good at noticing quickly what partners are not good for you it´s good not to go out o a date with them ”only because you feel strong”. Suddenly you will feel in love and caught and then the whole circus starts again, so the best is, don´t go to near partners that you know are not good for you.
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se