Warning signals if you have an abandonment schema
Jeffrey Young has identified several warning signals that you can be aware of if you have and abandonment schema and if you have met a potential partner:
1. Your partner is married and he/she can´t commit to you.
2. Your partner can´t be with you on a regular basis because of work, he/she lives abroad etc.
3. Your partner is emotionally unstable; he/she is depressed, drinks too much etc.
4. Your partner isn´t interested in a stable relationship, he/she wants several partners at the same time or he/she wants to be free and see you anyway.
5. Your partner shows lots of interest in you sometimes and neglects you at other times.
A central part of the what´s described above is that you don+t get straight answers. It´s all diffuse and you go between feeling happy in your relationship to feeling lonely and hurt. This hopping back and forth is devastating emotionally. It´s very draining and destuctive.
Some of my patients with an abandonment schema often desribe that when they reach a point that they have had enough, their partner becomes extremely attentive and present and they get drawn back. If you recognize yourself in this try not to act on impulse but once you have gone through the roller coaster several times (having become pushed away and pulled back), try to sit down and make a plan. Let´s say that you are in a position right now where you feel angry and hurt. Count on, even if you don´t feel that right now, that it´s a matter of time before you´ll get attention again and make a plan on a detail basis on how you´ll resist it.
My suggestions:
1. Try not to talk to your partner for a while. If you feel strong it´s common to think ”it´s ok if I talk to him/her for a few minutes, there is no chance that I´ll fall back”. Do not fall into that trap. If you talk or meet your partner in most cases it´s a matter of time before you start all over again.
2. If you meet your partner anyway (because you are at the same job for example), don´t say anything a