The different modes of the narcissist
The narcissist switches between different states or modes depending on the situation he/she is in. Jeffrey Young explains this in a great way in hi book ”Reinventing your life”. The modes consist of:
1. The lonely child
2. The self-aggrandizer (the critic, the competitor)
3. The detached self-soother
The modes consist of different schemas. A schema is the innermost thoughts you have about yourself and they are unconscious. You can trace them but analyzing your behaviors in situations where you have negative feelings. For example if you have feelings of anxiety in sitautions when you have conflicts with your partner and if you adapt to everything your partner wants in order not to be abandoned, you probably have an abandonment schema. Now back to the narcissist and his/her schemas.
The first mode, the lonely child, consists of a schema called emotional deprivation. You have that schema if you, in your childhood felt unimportant.
It doesn´t have to be that your parents said that to you, but by their actions, they made you feel that way. And from the way you felt you developed behaviors to cope with that feeling. Some people try to please their parents (and they continue to please people as adults), and some people act out and become hard to deal with. The result of the behaviors is a self-fulfilling prophesy, you end up again feeling unimportant. This is one of the shemas the narcissist has. He/she feels unimportant and lonely deep down. The problem is that the strategies the narcissist uses in order to feel less lonely will make him/her be even more lonely in the end.
To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se