I will continue writing about how a typically narcissitic mother can behave. In my case example this woman is very narcissistic so if you recognize some features, the person in whom you recognize the features can still have narcissistic features even though he/she doesn´t have all show all the behaviors I mention here.
I will now continue writing about my case example Vanessa.
Vanessa could not keep a steady relationship for a long period of time. She told other people that she sacrified her own possibility of having a partner because she wanted to be focus on her children´s schoolwork so that they could have an education. Her focus consísted of a rigorous obsession in their schoolwork when she had nothing else to focus on. From time to time she met a partner and during those periods she forgot that she had children. She could leave the home and even the country for a while and she got angry if she felt pressure from her children that took her time. When the realtionships didn´t work out she usually blamed her children for having ruined her relationship. She functioned totally in all or nothing terms. So if she was in love with a partner, thatwas all that counted, if she decided that she wanted to participate in her chidren´s schoowork, she did that every day. When someone else in the class got better resuts she became ignoring, sarcastic and sometimes she beat her children. When they got good results, she told everyone that it was due to her abilities and willingness to sacrifice her personal life that her children had good grades. Vanessa was also a very controlling person. She wanted to know and control everything her children did. She got everything the way she wanted either by threatening her children or by giving them bad conscious. She was an expert on giving them bad conscoius and sentences she often used were ”after all I have done for you, this is what I get back”, ”you are ungrateful and selfish, but I have myself to blame for being so good to you that you can use me”. An interesting fact is that narcissists are experts at making other people feel what they feel themselves. So if a you feel negative feeling when you talk to a person with narcissistic features like bad conscience, shame, anxiety etc., remember that that is probably what the narcissist feel himself/herself. Observing this will often help you deal with the situation and your own feelings better.
To be continued…
Cognitive Behavior Psychologist Monica Emanell
www.kbtemanell.se